bad diary days

amir left for bosnia on sunday and it sucks.

like

REALLY sucks.


I am trying really, really hard to be posi because its not even that long compared to what i would have been used to in the past but for some reason it seems a million times worse and a million times harder than i ever imagined.

its so stupid. its just a few weeks but i feel like i have the heaviest boots ever and no amount of love and affection from my amazing friends has helped*. (i love you guys.)

(*jo gale gets here thursday. this may/will in fact help.)


anyways the hardest part is the fact that i can't just talk to him whenever i want. when we have been apart before at least we weren't limited in our communication. In bosnia (which is 5 hours ahead of us) it is hard to get high-speed internet, we probably wont get to talk on the phone (well...maybe. and briefly.) and he had to get a temporary bosnian phone number when he was there so i can't text him and he can hardly text me (at 60 cents a text those babies add up) unless of course he puts his north american sim card in and THEN receives my text and then writes me back.

its just so tough. yesterday i had an awful day (pms/migraine/barfing/car got scratched up bad in a parking lot/having to find new ppl to come to toronto with us/FLEAS) and just the fact that i can't hear back from him right away to make me feel better is so hard. Obviously my hormones are perfectly timed to make these initial few days a million times harder on me than i would have liked. obviously he would've texted me back in a heartbeat if he wasn't there, obviously i am just driving myself crazy, but i hate it.

its just like that feeling of someone you love being a little "off" and your belly is squishy bad at all times and you just want reassurance and you just want a little hug and kiss to make it all better. but instead i am stuck waiting 2 weeks until i get that. i know he loves me, i have no doubts about that, but i am a girl and he is a boy and i am a wuss and i just wanna feel missed. no matter what a person can say, its always going to be about what you don't know.

i feel guilty for being so sad because i want him to have a great vacation and a nice time travelling. i know my annoying mopey texts aren't making me any more desirable. he should never have to feel guilty being on a fabulous vacation and seeing family and beautiful sights.

i am a really bad liar. (which makes me a good friend). i can't just pretend to be happy for him, i want to truly be happy for him. i think i will feel that way once jo gets here and times starts to move a little and i adjust to the time apart from him. it's just been a bad few days. i am really in love and i am not scared to admit that i will always feel more comfortable when amir is around. we have spoken every day in one form or another since the day we started dating (and even before that) and i feel completely out of my comfort zone.


oh. and it's 6 months today.



love hurts. don't do it.