Sunday, April 18, 2010
I've been trying to go to bed early and maybe even hide out a little bit. (Although I did recently discover that everyone in Halifax hides out in the same places, so maybe I should just stick what I know.) Going to bed early and revisiting my old schedule is slowing me down and bringing me back to life all at once. Its amazing how good it can be to feel rested for a change. I can't get over the difference. I definitely do still feel hardened, but at least I don't feel as weathered.
Things are finally starting to look up- I've had some real moments of clarity this week. I am feeling like I have finally crested over that hill of feeling sorry for myself. I have amazing new people in my life ( that certainly helps) but it wasn't until I realized that I needed to stop being sad and maybe even let myself be a bit pissed...or a lot pissed...before I could regrow the backbone which had long since deteriorated over the past 4 months.
Everyone makes mistakes. BIg mistakes. But when someone asked me this week if I regret everything that happened, and i promptly responded "no, i don't believe in regret, I believe in karma" (plus that phrase that can't stop leaving my bitter tongue "karma's a fucking bitch") I realized that it was up to me to learn and grow from those mistakes. Which I most definitely have.
I have paid my dues. Only a very small group of people have stood by me and know how things have truly been over the past little while and I know how much I have put myself through. That shit is over. I am officially done with being a doormat for people's hostility or a dumpster for blame. I can't prevent people from making assumptions about me but I do have the ability to stop caring that they do. I am physically exhausted from defending myself every fucking day.
Some unexpected ghosts from my past came to visit me this week. Life has been put in perspective and like I said, I have met that clarity that is required to move forward. Making my career move to Truro is the next step (September) but not before I give myself my last summer in Halifax. I have new friends to make memories with. 2 steps forward, no steps back.